But i Didn’t Say Fudge…



I get fussed at a lot about the way I talk. I even get told I am not a Christian. You show me where the Hebrew translated Bible says I can’t say twatwaffle or mutton fuck or i will go to hell and i will be sure to adhere to it. See, I was pretty much BORN with a potty mouth. I been in trouble for dirty words as long as I can remember. When I first started talking, my octogenarian, very southern racist grandmother babysat me. Well. There was also a very nice old black lady who worked at Safeway. As I have said, my family is mostly deaf. my mom did not yet wear hearing aids, she just knew I was handing the groceries in the buggy to the cashier and jabbering in the talk of a small child. When she finally noticed the stricken look on the ladies face and realized what i was saying, it was, ” Here, nigger… Here, nigger… Here, nigger.” I got a spanking.

A short time later, I was once again in Safeway handing the same cashier the groceries, saying things like “This is the peas i eat for supper. These are the Cheerios I eat for breakfast…” I was doing fine until I said, “This is the toilet paper I wipe my ass with.” I got a spanking.

My grandma had a favorite saying.. it was “You make my ass want a dip of snuff.” Well, we were taught to refer to our vaginas as our “moody”… One day my dad was aggravating me about something… i KNEW i wasn’t supposed to say ass, and i KNEW i wasn’t supposed to have anything to do with my Grandmother’s semi secret snuff dipping… so. I said to my Dad, “You make my moody want a drink of water.” I got a spanking when my mom got home.

Right after my sister was born, they posed us on a tree trunk for a picture in matching overalls… i was around four. they told me “hold jayme until we take your picture.” So i did. after the camera flashed I quit holding her and she sorta rolled to the bottom of the tree trunk, right into an ant bed. Well, I got a spanking. Then i tried to explain by saying, “i didn’t MEAN to drop Jayme in the piss ants!”. So i got another spanking.

One day we left church and were going to lunch in town… I was just at the age where I sounded out words on signs. In front of the Mad Butcher someone had rearranged the letters in the middle of the night, I guess, because I sounded out “Let-us FUCK!” on the lighted sign by the road. i got a spanking.

I learned a poem in Kindergarten and came home and told it to my Grandmother… It goes like “I love little pussy, her coat is so warm… and if I don’t hurt her she’ll do me no harm.” I got a spanking.

No wonder my ass is flatter than Miley Cyrus’s voice.





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