I go out walkin’ after midnight….

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tomorrow i am going to duct tape my brother in law to the wall and rip out his toenails with pliers. rusty ones. this afternoon he says “you need anything from town? i say “yes, cigarettes.” about 11:30 i go looking for them to no avail. i call chris and he groggily says “oh i forgot.. ill do it sometimes tomorrow. im going to bed now. goodbye.” WHAT? WTF? i am amped up still like a methhead on steroids from my Benlysta infusion yesterday and done drank about a half pint of jager and smoked pot all day and had bad ass drugs pumped into me yesterday… well. i make it 2 hours and a joint later and i decide fuck it, i’m going to the Day-n-Nite. So, in my Mickey Mouse pajamas and knee high purple boots i gallantly stagger to my Mustang and very carefully and conscientiously get in, start the car, let it warm up, put on my seat belt, adjust the stereo and away i go, carefully zooming through the absolutely deserted streets two blocks to the Day-n-Nite. Well i get there and guess what. there’s a cop there. I lean over and pretend to get my purse and spray perfume in my hand and kinda rub myself.. and waltz up into the store. it’s not just a cop. when you live in a town of approximately 12 people and a coon dog, you are gonna know at least one cop. thankfully the cop i know seems very nice, he is the K9 cop and he has had to come over a couple times with the EMTs when bob had a major diabetic episode. but he is still A COP. There is not one single solitary cop on earth who doesn’t cause my insides to get all fucked up when i have to interact with one. Well. I go into the store in my pjs and of course he wants to talk. “Yes, Bob’s doin fine. he just turned 70..” i’m talkin to a cop, i reek of pot and jager, and there’s pot in my purse. “Oh, yea, I still have my bike.. I don’t ride as much as I used to.” I don’t have on a bra and i am talking to a cop and i have pot in my purse.. and fuck, the gun…. “Yes, I am getting along okay, thank you… yes, my dog is fine… yea.. i see your girl remembers me.. shes barking out the window… no, i didn’t do the dog show this year…” the drug dog is going nuts and i have on no bra and i am talking to a cop and i have pot and a gun in my purse and nobody knows where i am but this cop. “Well thank you, Happy New Year to you too.” I am being HUGGED by a cop with no bra on while his dog foams at the mouth at the effervescence of marijuana that forms a cloud around me and i have pot and a gun in my purse…” Chris is SO going to get it. Soon as my colon ceases to spasm.

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2 Responses to “I go out walkin’ after midnight….”

  1. YOU ROCK!

  2. This was TOO funny!!! LMFAO!!!!

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