Real Women MUST HAVES

I just read a stupid article from InStyle magazine on twitter. It involves the ten must have items for a woman’s closet. I agree with basically nothing in the article. Why the hell do I need a ‘statement necklace’ that looks like a logging chain with wooden beads on it? In what world would I ever wear red flats? I own 29 pair of red shoes… None lower than a three inch heel except one pair of Chanel sandals. So, I have decided to write a list of ten things a REAL woman needs in her closet.

1. A good leather jacket.. Not one of those stupid cheap pleather things, either.

2. Jeans that don’t cut off the blood circulation to your vagina when you straddle a motorcycle.

3. A 1911A, 9mm, Lady Smith or whatever weapon you are efficient with. Not efficient with a weapon? Go fix THAT then come back and read some more.

4. A good, sturdy, preferably designer, bag that effectively conceals number three. Your gun needs to be carried in a pocket in your vest or purse where you carry NOTHING else. It’s hard to be badass if you pull out a gun with a pair of panties, one earring, a Tj maxx receipt and a fruit loop hanging off of it.

5. A Louisville Slugger.

6. Fuck me heels that you actually know how to walk in. Practice until you don’t look like a hog on ice.

7. Good foundation garments. Nobody wants to look at your muffin top, moose foot, or pendulous boobs that look like two oranges in a pair of pantyhose with nipples that look like shriveled prunes.

8. Tweezers. It doesn’t matter how beautiful your clothes are. A cluster of pube-like hairs on your face blowing in the wind or a Neanderthal unibrow or a Ron Jeremy pornstache kinda ruins the overall effect.

9. Clothes that FIT. Just because it zips does not mean it fits. You have a mirror.. Utilize it. If YOU can see belly rolls, bunching material and straining seams, so can everyone else.

10. Clothes YOU feel comfortable in. If you don’t have the body for this years crop tops and skinny jeans, don’t wear them. Your style belongs to you and only you.

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2 Responses to “Real Women MUST HAVES”

  1. So true… LOL!!

  2. Cherry pitz Says:

    Amen sister

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